Eight-Word Reviews: Page 3, Panel 3

If you name a movie or season on my Facebook page and if I've seen it, I'll eight-word review it. Twitter too. Warning: I'm honest.

Marvel / Disney

X-Men: First Class (2011, requested by Dan B.)

MacFassbendAvoy recruit obscure mutants & Kevin Bacon's a Nazi.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Marvel's Go Army commercial. Vaccines don't cause autism.

Thor (2011)

Hemsworth kills frost giants, breaks hearts, smashes glasses.

Iron Man (2008)

Sherlock Chaplin builds Superman armour and talks fast.

Iron Man 2 (2010)

Looks good, feels rushed. Whiplash's accent stinks. "Bort"?

DC / Warner Brothers

Superman Returns (2006)

Lacking action. Luthor's land plan is fantastically bland

Watchmen (2009)

Underrated. Dark, bloody & 78.1% slo-mo. Readers disapproved.

Superman vs the Elite (2011)

Cool, but "Superman makes friends, fights them" again?

Justice League: Doom (2012)

Decent story, sweet battles. 'Holograms' can do that?

Eight-Word Reviews: Part Deux

If you name a movie on my Facebook page, and if I've seen it, I'll eight-word review it. Twitter too. Warning: I'm honest.

Justified: Season 3 (FX, 2012)

Kentucky: "We're either really smart or really dumb."

Person of Interest: Season 1 (CBS, 2011-2012)

= (Minority Report + Charlie's) x (Christopher Nolan brothers - Chris) + "Abrams"

Doctor Who: Season 1 (and so far half of Season 2) (BBC, 2005-2006)

My first Doctors. BBC, Netflix, where have you been??

A Clockwork Orange (1971, requested by Mike H.)

Kubrick does DARK humour. McDowell was young once!?

John Dies at the End (2012)

Bought the blu-ray for $26.99. Worth every penny.

Gangster Squad (2013)

Recommend only if you really love Dick........................................Tracy.

Chinatown (1974)

Noir squared. Yeah I'm a geek, so what?.

Magic City: Season 1 (Starz, 2012)

Corruption boobs. Murder boobs. Sinatra boobs. & Danny Huston.

Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters? (2013)

I have not seen HAG: WH? and probably won't.

Eight-Word Reviews: Series 1, Season 1, Chapter 1, Episode 1, Version 0.9 Beta, 30-Day Trial Edition

If you name a movie on my Facebook page, and if I've seen it, I'll eight-word review it. Twitter too. Warning: I'm honest.

House of Cards: Season 1 (Netflix - 2013)

Powerful man wants more. Spacey nails evil genius.

Side By Side (2012)

Keanu narrates digital vs film and it's fascinating.

Super 8 (2011)

= (E.T. + Cloverfield + King Kong) x (Spielberg + Spielberg + Spielberg + Abrams)

Batman: Year One (2011)

Batman Begins from Gordon's POV, starring Bryan Cranston!

Superman / Batman: Apocalypse (2010)

Angsty Supergirl is angsty. Epic fight in Smallville.

Compliance (2012)

"There's no way that would ever happen!" Wrong.

The Imposter (2012)

"Missing boy" "returns" to Texas, can't handle Texans.

Top Gear: Season Series 18 (BBC - 2012)

Episodes: Italy, Beijing, Panda, wheelchairs, Saab, doughnuts, Slash.

Africa (BBC - 2013)

"Wanna roll another one or pack the bong?"

My Simpsons Theories

If you're anywhere between the ages of ten and a thousand, you probably have a great appreciation for The Simpsons. Every fan has pointed out a plot hole or presented a theory to a friend at some point in their life. In this case I have one of each, and they've been in my head for a while now.

Bart could not possibly have saved Aunt Selma from Sideshow Bob unless he is a time traveler.

Here's a plot excerpt form the Wikipedia article of the episode "Black Widower":

At the wedding, most of the Springfield appears to be in attendance, including Krusty the Clown and incompetent Police Cheif Wiggum. Selma later sends the Simpsons a videotape of her honeymoon and Bob, which includes his tirade over the absence of a gas fireplace in his hotel room that he had requested. She retires one evening to watch McGyver in their suite, and while Bob is downstairs having a drink, the hotel room explodes behind him. Bob feigns a frantic phone call to the front desk about the accident.

Find the continuity error?

In the honeymoon scene, two things are taking place...

• Selma is recording the honeymoon with a circa 1995 video camera
• The Simpsons are watching this happen on their TV at home

...at the same time. The technology to directly stream live video from a camera to the next town over would not exist for another few years. Thus, the only explanation is that Bart jumped back in time on his way to Shelbyville.

The Filmburgers Podcast with Jeff and Phil

Episode 1: JJ Abrams' Star Wars, Our Top Five Movies of 2012, and Oscar Picks.

Download Episode 1 here. Streaming Link coming soon.

Music: "Battle Scars" by Royal Treatment Plant

00:40 Introduction

05:10 Star Wars (at 05:20 Phil asks me to punch him in the face if he says 'obviously' one more time. You all witnessed it.)

16:35 Break

Top 5 Movies of 2012:

17:18 Number 5

23:53 Number 4

30:39 Number 3

38:55 Number 2

47:40 Break

48:10 Number 1

57:43 Oscar Picks

Edited and produced by Jeff

If I Made It: Preacher

Among the limited number of comics and graphic novels that I've read (Watchmen, Sandman, Dark Knight Returns, Civil War, Blackest Night, Walking Dead) Preacher is my favourite and the only one I have read twice. I've always enjoyed movies that use the Christian mythos as their basis, and Preacher not only tells a hell of a good story using established biblical characters, but also manages to keep it extremely smart and mature throughout. Kevin Smith's Dogma is the closest thing to a movie version of it, but lacks the outstanding dialogue and character depth.

Thrown into the movie rumour ring every few years since before the last issue was even out, like Watchmen it has been deemed unfilmable, too graphic and too controversial. Well, fuck that. I want to see this thing put to film, just as long as it gets an R rating or equivalent. 

The Preacher movie / TV series / mini-series / debaclestravaganza went through the obstacle courses from Wipeout and now sits at the bottom of one of those muddy pools. Starting as far back as 1998, the project has bounced from Rachel Talalay to Kevin Smith, to Mark Steven Johnson, to Sam Mendes, to HBO. That was in 2008 and we've heard nothing since then. The term 'development hell' has never been so fitting.

Ideal Director: Quentin Tarantino (yeah right)
The dialogue between Jesse and Cassidy is what elevates Preacher over everything else I've read. When a Texan badass and an Irish vampire become best friends and bond over stuff like Bill Hicks, walls of text are welcome. Tarantino is the master of the unique blend of tangential conversation, multiple plot lines, and stylish ultra-violence that Preacher is famous for. Okay, so QT directs his own scripts exclusively, but like him, Ennis likes to include references to popular culture, doesn't pull any punches when it comes to adult material, and completes his story with a satisfying ending. 

CAST

Disclaimer. There are already a truckload of fan-made mock casting charts for this movie on the...ugh...'blogosphere'. So some of my casting choices here are inspired by some of those blogs, and some are my own. Regardless, here is who I think should play whom.

Jesse Custer: Timothy Olyphant

He's Justified. He's Deadwood. Just call him John Clint Wayne Eastwood. 

Eight-Word Reviews of All Nine Best Picture Nominees

Zero Dark Thirty
"Let's get Osama"
"Nah"
"Let's get Osama!!"
"Okay"

Argo (Best Picture choice)
Agent Affleck effectively exfiltrates Americans in insane Iran.

Les Miserables
Wolverine and Catwoman sing well and are sad.

Lincoln
Cameo, cameo, cameo, cameo, Abe tells a story.

Life of Pi
Indian boy 'befriends' CG Tiger. Second best picture.

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Poor father, daughter annoy each other. Katrina-esque setting.

Silver Linings Playbook
In my experience, bipolar people aren't this nuts.

Django Unchained
Funny. Violent. Tense. Exciting. Authentic. Bloody. N*****. Tarantino.

Amour
I have not seen Amour and probably won't.

Movie Marketing in 2012

THE GOOD

Star Trek Into Darkness

Is Kahn in it? Who is John Harrison? What episode was he in? Why does IMDB list him as playing "Kahn (Rumored)"? Will Spock die at the end? How far will the current timeline stray from the original series?

The fact that these questions are such a hot topic among the fans right now is a testament to how good Bad Robot (J.J. Abrams' production company) are at marketing. Remember when Cloverfield didn't yet have a title? Remember when we didn't yet know the ending to Lost? That's all anyone talked about at the time. After it was done, the mystery was gone, and there was nothing else to speculate about. Abrams doesn't just make good movies, he's also the Don Draper of Hollywood.

Additionally, there is a First 9 Minutes clip being shown with some IMAX screenings of The Hobbit. This is a fairly new marketing technique used by big summer blockbusters to pad the hype surrounding it, and it has been working.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit's great accomplishment is that it made 3D no longer the latest visual 'enhancement' available to film. Whether you hate it or want to give it a chance, the new High Frame Rate technology has been putting butts in seats. From what I've heard and read, plenty of fans and critics alike have seen it more than once, whether to compare it to an alternate version of the film, or to see the first 9 minutes of something. I saw the HFR version, and will be discussing it in the near future. 

THE BAD

The Cabin in the Woods

The trailer for Cabin receives my Most Misleading Marketing award for making an extremely fun and clever horror satire look like yet another shitty clone of [your favourite slasher franchise]. The last few seconds didn't do enough to display the second tier of the story, the whole tone was just wrong, and everything else was way too generic. And that is probably why it failed financially; those who went to the theatre wanting said shitty clone of [your favourite horror franchise] were disappointed that it wasn't, and told their friends to go see Dark Shadows instead. Mostly everyone else, including myself, saw the trailer and went "No thanks".

Don't Want Me To Pirate John Dies At The End? Make It Available To Me.

First let me just start by saying, I have a fairly large collection of movies. DVDs, Blu-rays, burned DVDs, burned VCDs, VHS tapes...and yes, torrented. The ethics of pirating content is forever ongoing. There are valid arguments for and against it. Regardless of right or wrong, I'd like to think this is a prime example of why people like me download illegally.

I've been waiting for this Don Coscarelli movie ever since the trailer first appeared well over a year ago. I love the Cronenbergian / Lynchian / Aronovskian surreal aspects of movies like this, and so at one point it was my most anticipated movie of 2012. So when a new trailer hit that finally included a release date, my excitement spiked and I think I pee'd a little.

The new "On Demand" release, a.k.a. "Grandpa's Worst Nightmare"

Then this happened. Apparently Magnolia Pictures are appealing to the fans and asking them not to pirate their movie, with a one-minute-long, "anti-piracy trailer".

Bullet Burgers: Top Movies of 2012, Part 1: The Dark Knight Rises, Looper, The Avengers

Today on Bullet Burgers we look at three of my favourite movies of 2012.

The Dark Knight Rises

• Similar to The Dark Knight, but where that is a 10, this is a 9.
• Unlike The Joker who just wants to explode all the things, Bane wants to take over the city and be in charge. Meanwhile Batman has been sidelined for several years and has to make a big return. Those who have read Nightfall and The Dark Knight Returns will see tons of familiar stuff in here.
• Like TDK, if you watch this at home, the aspect ratio switches back and forth, where scenes filmed with the IMAX camera are shown in 16:9 (Like your LCD TV), and the rest of it is in Anamorphic widescreen at 2.39:1 (Like most 35mm movies). And like TDK, I find it distracting - but I'm sure that some won't even notice.
• Physically, Tom Hardy virtually turned into Schwarzenegger for this role. Expect to see him speaking in a German accent more.
• Best thing: Anne Hathaway is fucking phenomenal as Selina Kyle. Is a lock for the Best Supporting Actress In Black Latex award.
• Worst thing: Bane's ADR voice. Not that it was unclear - I understood him just fine - but that it doesn't sound like it's coming from anywhere near his face. 
• If made in the 80s this would: Be Sam Raimi's Darkman.